im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
