Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
