Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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