there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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