Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize