One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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