oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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