I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house