I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.