Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
