I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
so much tequila, so little girl.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
