oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
