I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
