I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
