He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
