If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
