I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
