If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
pray to the hookup gods
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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