apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
