Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
