Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
