nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
