Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
