Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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