I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
