I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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