Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
