Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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