Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
