I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Randomize
