Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
