Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
