It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.