Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.