Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
3pm strippers are depressing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.