cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
