Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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