Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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