I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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