Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
