I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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