I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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