Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
