All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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