The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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