my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
