No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
