so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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