Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
