I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
