apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
