I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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