Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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