I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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