Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
