The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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