Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
