I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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